Tag: pregnancy

Update: 31ish weeks

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Since my last post, I have had an ultrasound and appointment with the perinatologist every 4 weeks. It’s to keep tabs on baby’s growth, ventricles, and head circumference.

Everything they have seen in these ultrasounds reinforces that the diagnosis of aqueductal stenosis is correct. His ventricles continue to increase in size.

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Yesterday (31 weeks, 3 days) we had another one. He is measuring at 3 lb, 5 oz which puts him in the 27th percentile for size/weight. His head, however, is quite a bit larger in proportion to the rest of his body, measuring at 35 or 36 weeks. He is also breech and not likely to turn on his own because of how big his head is. What does that mean? It looks like it’ll be a classical c-section for me at about 38 weeks (which is anxiety provoking on many levels – that’s really soon!).

Next week we meet with the pediatric neurosurgeon who will walk us through the surgery and hopefully be able to answer a bunch of questions we have about what life will look like at least in his first few weeks.

Being a parent is stressful

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July 14, 2016. 20 Weeks, 4 days.
Yesterday, we were excited. We had been waiting for this day for weeks: the in-depth ultrasound where they could tell us if we were having a boy or a girl. Right off the bat we found out – it’s a boy!

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After about 10 minutes, the chatty sonographer got pretty quiet.  That’s when I started to suspect something was up. The perinatologist was called in to take a look. Having had a baby before, I knew this was not normal.

Ryan and I were ushered to a little conference room where the perinatologist delivered the news: things didn’t look right. There were three concerns:

  1. The baby was small, measuring at about 9 days behind where he should be.
  2. The lateral ventricles in the brain were measuring larger than they should be.
  3. And they couldn’t find the cavum septum pellucidum (CSP) or corpus callosum in his brain.

The perinatologist and genetic counselor recommended that we have an amniocentesis done to determine whether there was a genetic issue. It takes 2 weeks for results from an amnio to come back, so they booked one for me the next day (today). It’s important to move quickly, they said, because if this is something bad, we only have until 24 weeks to terminate the pregnancy.

Our 45 minute ultrasound appointment that was supposed to be exciting turned into nearly 5 hours at the doctor and conversations about “worst case scenarios” and terminating the pregnancy. What. The. Heck.

Today was my last day of work at ACS. I tried to be as present as I could, but it was hard knowing that I had to leave early to have the amnio done. I was nervous about the amnio, but now that it’s over with, I realize the anxiety of waiting 2 weeks to learn anything is far greater.

July 28, 2016. 22 Weeks, 4 days. 
We got the results back from the amnio. Everything looked normal which is great – it means no genetic issue.

I had a fetal MRI this morning (side note: lying for almost an hour and a half in an MRI machine, unable to re-adjust is really uncomfortable). They got some very good images which told us the following:

  • The CSP and corpus callosum are present. More great news.
  • He is still running 9-10 days smaller than he should be, which is consistent with what they saw 2 weeks ago during the ultrasound. Maybe he’s just a small baby? Overall, the doctors aren’t too concerned about this.
  • The lateral ventricles are still dilated and larger than they should be. Right now, they believe the diagnosis is aqueductal stenosis – meaning that the passage that lets fluid out of the lateral ventricles is too narrow and it can’t get out, thus making them dilated

We are meeting with a pediatric neurologist next week who will walk us through what this means for him after delivery. As we understand it, it’s hard to know until he’s further along how mild or severe the effects of this will be for him. It’s likely that after he’s born, he will need to have brain surgery to have shunts put in to relieve the pressure/fluid in the lateral ventricles.

As stressful as it is to think about a newborn having surgery, we’ve had a great team of doctors so far and I have a lot of confidence in them. We’re feeling relieved that the amnio came back normal and that he has all structures in his brain are accounted for. We love this boy and continue to pray for his health and wellbeing.

Pregnancy #3, Week 4

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I found out on Monday, March 21, 2016 that I’m pregnant. This is my third pregnancy. My last one  ended quickly by miscarriage. And so, for that reason, it is a very different experience this time around. I’m excited…? I am, it’s just that I have a lot of reservations. I don’t want to “get my hopes up” in case this one ends the way my last one did.

We decided not to tell anyone until I’m through the first trimester because maybe we jinxed it last time by telling family so soon. But truthfully? It’s that I’m afraid. Afraid this one won’t work out. Afraid of the pain of telling people (even just close family) that the baby they were so excited about welcoming isn’t actually coming.

I had a phone appointment with my doctor who asked how I was doing. I was honest and told her, “Well, I’m feeling incredibly anxious.” She said that’s normal for a first pregnancy after miscarriage and that the only thing I could do right now is take care of myself and try not to worry.

So that’s what I’m going to try to do. God has a plan for us. Ryan and I have talked about it and have decided that if something goes awry with this pregnancy, we should take that as a sign that our family is meant to be 3. In the meantime, as scared & nervous as I am, I am hopeful. Hopeful that I can see this pregnancy to full term and that around November 27, 2016 (a Thanksgiving baby!), we’ll meet Baby Riddle #2 (#3?).

Disclaimer: This post was written on Saturday, March 26, 2016.

Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans

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Ordering holiday cards this year was a far more upsetting experience than I anticipated. 

I had plans. Plans that I’d send out New Year cards announcing that Nolan was going to be a big brother. We were so excited about another baby. It was early but we were starting to think about names and to think about how our lives would change in the summer. 

Then life happened. Instead of following my well laid plans, I ordered holiday cards that had a photo of the three of us sending Christmas greetings. Still a nice card, but not at all what I had expected to send.

I was in a Board meeting when something didn’t feel right. There was cramping. And when I got home, there was more than cramping. I went in for an ultrasound. They couldn’t find anything, which was concerning given that all the baby apps told me, “This week your baby is the size of a blueberry!” After several days of bleeding and cramping, my doctor called confirming what I already knew: I had a miscarriage.

They say that miscarriages are extremely common. 1 in 5 pregnancies result in miscarriage (though that rate may skew higher because miscarriages are often under reported). And I know it didn’t happen because of  something I did or didn’t do. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it. However, knowing the statistics and that it wasn’t my fault didn’t make it easier.

Ryan can tell you: I was a hormonal, emotional mess. Understandably so, however…I didn’t think I would grieve as much as I did. I also didn’t realize it would physically hurt as much as it did. 

I debated writing about this. Then I had a few epiphanies. 

  1. Miscarriage is really common, yet no one talks about it. I can count on a few fingers the number of times I’ve heard or read people mention miscarriage. It wasn’t until it happened to me and I shared it with a couple people that I suddenly heard all of these stories of miscarriage. It’s like being in a secret club…a club that no one wants to be a member of. 
  2. Life is just as much about the sad moments as it is about the happy ones (didn’t we all learn that from Inside Out?). People share their highs everyday. Why are we so hesitant to share the lows too?  I don’t want to contribute to perpetuating stigmas that it’s bad to talk about sad things or wrong to feel sad. 
  3. Writing is how I cope and process. I find it to be therapeutic. And if there were a time to do something that helps me deal with my emotions, this would be it. 

So, how am I? I’m disappointed. And sad. But I’m okay and am glad I’m no longer in pain. I have a lot to be thankful for and perhaps some exciting times to look forward to. Let’s see where life decides to take us.