Tag: miscarriage

Pregnancy #3, Week 4

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I found out on Monday, March 21, 2016 that I’m pregnant. This is my third pregnancy. My last one  ended quickly by miscarriage. And so, for that reason, it is a very different experience this time around. I’m excited…? I am, it’s just that I have a lot of reservations. I don’t want to “get my hopes up” in case this one ends the way my last one did.

We decided not to tell anyone until I’m through the first trimester because maybe we jinxed it last time by telling family so soon. But truthfully? It’s that I’m afraid. Afraid this one won’t work out. Afraid of the pain of telling people (even just close family) that the baby they were so excited about welcoming isn’t actually coming.

I had a phone appointment with my doctor who asked how I was doing. I was honest and told her, “Well, I’m feeling incredibly anxious.” She said that’s normal for a first pregnancy after miscarriage and that the only thing I could do right now is take care of myself and try not to worry.

So that’s what I’m going to try to do. God has a plan for us. Ryan and I have talked about it and have decided that if something goes awry with this pregnancy, we should take that as a sign that our family is meant to be 3. In the meantime, as scared & nervous as I am, I am hopeful. Hopeful that I can see this pregnancy to full term and that around November 27, 2016 (a Thanksgiving baby!), we’ll meet Baby Riddle #2 (#3?).

Disclaimer: This post was written on Saturday, March 26, 2016.

Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans

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Ordering holiday cards this year was a far more upsetting experience than I anticipated. 

I had plans. Plans that I’d send out New Year cards announcing that Nolan was going to be a big brother. We were so excited about another baby. It was early but we were starting to think about names and to think about how our lives would change in the summer. 

Then life happened. Instead of following my well laid plans, I ordered holiday cards that had a photo of the three of us sending Christmas greetings. Still a nice card, but not at all what I had expected to send.

I was in a Board meeting when something didn’t feel right. There was cramping. And when I got home, there was more than cramping. I went in for an ultrasound. They couldn’t find anything, which was concerning given that all the baby apps told me, “This week your baby is the size of a blueberry!” After several days of bleeding and cramping, my doctor called confirming what I already knew: I had a miscarriage.

They say that miscarriages are extremely common. 1 in 5 pregnancies result in miscarriage (though that rate may skew higher because miscarriages are often under reported). And I know it didn’t happen because of  something I did or didn’t do. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it. However, knowing the statistics and that it wasn’t my fault didn’t make it easier.

Ryan can tell you: I was a hormonal, emotional mess. Understandably so, however…I didn’t think I would grieve as much as I did. I also didn’t realize it would physically hurt as much as it did. 

I debated writing about this. Then I had a few epiphanies. 

  1. Miscarriage is really common, yet no one talks about it. I can count on a few fingers the number of times I’ve heard or read people mention miscarriage. It wasn’t until it happened to me and I shared it with a couple people that I suddenly heard all of these stories of miscarriage. It’s like being in a secret club…a club that no one wants to be a member of. 
  2. Life is just as much about the sad moments as it is about the happy ones (didn’t we all learn that from Inside Out?). People share their highs everyday. Why are we so hesitant to share the lows too?  I don’t want to contribute to perpetuating stigmas that it’s bad to talk about sad things or wrong to feel sad. 
  3. Writing is how I cope and process. I find it to be therapeutic. And if there were a time to do something that helps me deal with my emotions, this would be it. 

So, how am I? I’m disappointed. And sad. But I’m okay and am glad I’m no longer in pain. I have a lot to be thankful for and perhaps some exciting times to look forward to. Let’s see where life decides to take us.